


You’re My Flashlight

by killerxcanaries



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 19:59:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14316075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerxcanaries/pseuds/killerxcanaries
Summary: After finding out she isn’t real and is instead a clone designed to be the perfect woman, Ava finds herself trying to cope with the pain in one of the only ways she knows how to. After all, the pain she’s feeling isn’t real, right? (Set after 3x16, “I, Ava”)





	You’re My Flashlight

**Author's Note:**

> There are mentions of self-harm throughout the work. If you are suffering from self-harm/depression and would ever like to talk, my twitter is @killerxcanaries, please feel free to pm me at any time!

Ava shook as the cold metallic blade cut across her skin, bringing droplets of blood to the surface. Tears streamed down the agent's face and her breathing was ragged, but the only thing she was focused on at the moment was the pain. 

The pain she didn't even think was real.

Her body shook with her desultory intakes of breath, but the only thing Ava was really focused on was the release.

Sure, she'd usually find herself nursing a glass of liquor after a particularly rough day, but not even that would help her in a situation like the one she was currently in.

Hell, she wasn't sure anything would, but this had to account to something.

Blood streamed down her wrists and onto the cold floor of the bathroom, and Ava cursed at herself for not covering it with something before beginning, as the white floor would be harder to clean off later, but she was too focused on the metal blade in her hand to care. 

As more and more lines danced across her pale skin, the free canvas space becoming more scarce as the moments passed, Ava still didn't feel the quick release she thought she could find among using the blade. 

She sat down on the floor and leaned back against the shower tub, laying her arms wrist-side-up on her legs and bowing her head, eyes shut tightly. Tears streamed down her face, and she tried to contain the sobs before finally giving up and letting them wrack her body.

She couldn't deal with the fact that everything she had been told was a lie; she was stupid to think she ever could. She was a clone, for God's sake, how did everyone else expect her to? 

No one else knew. 

No one else knew except for her ex, and she'd be damned if she ever expected her to show up with open arms after dumping her like she should've expected to eventually happen when they had first gotten together. 

Ava shook her head, just wanting all of her thoughts to just stop, for once.

She heard a faint knock on her door, but couldn't care less at that moment, as her salty tears dripped onto her forearms and mixed with the gushing blood that was running down them. 

A few minutes later there was a knock on the bathroom door, and she couldn't fucking believe someone had seriously had the audacity to break their way into her place. If she hadn't opened the door for them, she clearly didn't want their presence. 

"Ava, please open the door," a soft voice called, and Ava inwardly groaned. 

The last person she expected- wanted- to see right then, was, of course, standing right outside the door. 

"Go away," she muttered pathetically, and she guessed it wasn't enough as the intruder began picking the lock before finally pushing the door in a few moments later.

"Oh my god, Ava."

More tears streamed down Ava's face for letting someone see her so vulnerable, especially the exact person she was trying to avoid. 

"Ava, why? W-why would you do this to yourself?"

"It's not even real, Sara. The pain, the scarring? It's not real, I'm not real."

"But you are real, Aves. Please, why did you do this instead of feeling like you could talk to us?"

She scoffed, laughed a little, even. 

"Yeah, right. 'Cause I would totally come talk to you, of all people."

Sara sat back on her heels for a moment, confused.

"Why not?," she asked softly, placing a hand upon Ava's ankle.

"Because you dumped me, Sara, for fuck’s sake! Why the hell would I go run and talk to you about how much of a shitty life I apparently haven't even been living?!"

"Just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean I'm not here to talk to."

"Yeah, okay. I didn't talk to you this time in particular because I kind of wanted to be alone, but apparently breaking-and-entering is a legal thing now."

"Ava, I was just trying to help. Come on, let me bandage your arms up, please."

"Go on, by all means treat me like some little kid that can't take care of herself! Oh, Ava found out she's not even a real person, but instead is a clone and her entire life has been a lie? Let's just treat her like she's two years old and can't take care of herself without doing something completely and utterly reckless!"

"You did, Aves," Sara whispered quietly, looking down and shutting her eyes.

"The look of disappointment on your face right now is the prone reason why I didn't go talk to you earlier, Sara," Ava whispered, fresh tears in her eyes. 

Sara opened her eyes, looking up slowly to see Ava staring back at her.

"I didn't want you to see me so vulnerable and depressed, Sara. Even though we aren't together anymore, I wasn't going to let you have the satisfaction of hearing me say that I'd rather be dead than live another day knowing I'm one of many and could easily be replaced."

Sara's eyes went slightly wider, and she reached out and placed a hand on Ava's cheek, wiping away a lone tear that had escaped with her thumb.

"I would not have been satisfied to hear that, Ava, and you know that. Please tell me you know that. I'm here for you, I always will be. Please, Aves, I don't want you to ever feel like that again, okay? You are amazing, and perfect, and one of a kind, and no one could ever replace you. I don't care if you are a person, an alien, or a frickin metahuman for all I care, you'll still always be the Ava I had realized I liked the first time we met."

Ava shook her head slowly, looking down.

Sara took Ava's wrists gently in hers and began cleaning the cuts before bandaging the areas as to prevent any infections and to hopefully stop the bleeding soon. She took the girl's hands in hers delicately, prompting Ava to look up at Sara. 

"I will always like you, Ava Sharpe, and no piece of information, not even finding out you are a clone, will change that in my eyes."

"You could literally sleep with an entire army of Avas, Sara, you'd be perfectly fine without me."

"No, I wouldn't."

Sara placed a hand on her chin and gently tilted Ava's face up to look at her.

"I like you and only you, not any of those other clones, okay? And I'm not with you to sleep with you, I'm with you because I like you."

"You're not with me anymore, Sara," Ava said with a scoff, shaking her head.

Sara sighed, nodding.

"I know, I know. But that still doesn't change the fact that I will always like this Ava Sharpe, and not a single other person that comes into my life will change the way I feel about you."

Ava stood up, wiping her tears away before leaving the bathroom.

"Can't you just leave me alone, Sara?," Ava said softly after hearing Sara following behind her.

"Ava, please just listen to me. You are a real person, okay? Yes, you might be a clone, but you are still one-hundred-percent real. While your prior memories are made up, not a single one of you and I is fabricated, and I can one-hundred-percent guarantee that is true."

"What are you doing?"

"Admitting something that could save us both. I love you, Ava Sharpe."

Sara stepped forward and pressed her lips against Ava's soft ones, placing a hand on her cheek. 

After a minute Ava stepped back, tears in her eyes.

"There's no me to love."

She turned and walked away, to what Sara expected to be in the direction of her bedroom, before Sara gently grabbed her upper arm. 

"Ava, please look at me."

After a sigh, Ava turned around slowly, eyes downcast in an attempt to not let her emotions get the better of her. 

"Ava, you are gorgeous, and amazing, and absolutely perfect."

"I'm only perfect because they made me to be the perfect woman, Sara, and you know that." 

Sara didn't like showing her feelings, but she couldn't hold back any longer as a few tears streamed down her face.

"I love you and only you, Ava Sharpe, and it pains me to see you hurting like you are right now."

Ava looked back up to see tears streaming down the blonde's face, causing tears to spring to her eyes.

"I don't deserve your love, Sara. You deserve better, you deserve so much better." 

Sara wanted to scream, she really did. She would climb to the top of a skyscraper just to shout how much she loved Ava if she really had to.

"No I don't! Ava, please just listen to me!," Sara pleaded, taking Ava's hands in her own.

"I love you, Ava. I will always love you, no matter what.” 

Sara sighed, shutting her eyes momentarily before opening them back up.

“I just want you to love yourself as much as I love you,” she said delicately.

At that Ava broke, tears streaming down her face. Sara wrapped her arms tightly around Ava's back, allowing Ava to lean her head on Sara's shoulder as she cried.

"It'll be okay, everything will be okay," Sara whispered repeatedly into Ava's ear, while gently rubbing small circles on her back with one hand, and gently combing through her golden hair with the other.

"Anytime you feel like this, Aves, please come to me first, alright? I don't want to lose you knowing there was a way I could've stopped you."

Ava nodded twice softly, shaking her head.

"You shouldn't be here right now, Sara. You should be on the waverider, trying to stop anachronisms, not standing here with me wasting time."

"Being with you is my favorite thing in the world, those anachronisms can wait a little longer. And besides, I'm not the only one on that ship, I placed Zari in charge while I'm gone."

"But Sara-"

Sara smiled softly.

"I got all I need when I got you and I," she sang delicately, placing one hand on Ava's cheek while her other continued coming through her hair.

“I look around me and see a sweet life. I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight. You're getting me, getting me through the night," Sara sang, before standing up on her toes and planting a gentle kiss against the taller woman's lips.

**Author's Note:**

> While this is not the first work I’ve written, it’s the first one I’m posting. I understand it’s not the best, and there is a lot I could’ve done differently, so I would love to hear your criticism on how to make my writing better. Thanks! ♡


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